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I�canapos;t stand living here anymore.

My brothers are so ridiculously disrespectful to my mother and stepdad.

And especially since he just very recently lost his dad and is going through a tough time.

All they do is back talk and trash talk me and my sister and Iapos;m so sick of it.

I am saving all of my money [besides the money going towards my car and gas] and I am moving out as soon as I�possibly can.

I could move into my Grandmaapos;s house right now.

But thatapos;s too far for me right now.

Ugh, this is just driving me so insane.

I work all day almost everyday and I come home to fucking assholes and chaos.

I donapos;t even like being home anymore. I usually just lock myself in my room when I am, and I donapos;t even really like being in my room that much.

er, fuck.

�

I need to move out right now.

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It will "never be the right time" for some things. But does that mean that we never do them? a part of growing up, of becoming adults, is acknowledging that we will have to do things that we donapos;t want to do--at that particular moment, or ever.

whether it is bailing out Wall Street b/c too many idiots made stupid decisions (not just the banks), or having serious conversations, itapos;s what weapos;re supposed to do b/c no one exists in a vacuum, or is an island like that oft-quoted John Donne line.

this goes also for the other side of the equation, for those individuals or interested parties who allow the shirkers to keep on shirking their responsibility. They share in the blame.

i refuse to be the tired old prospector who keeps on treating my cantankerous and ornery mule to carrots and sugar cubes
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And then he asked me, ldquo;Whatrsquo;re you thinking?rdquo; I smiled.� What am I thinking? Irsquo;m thinking how great it is to be alive. And I donrsquo;t mean wake up and smell the flowers alive. I mean, Alive To be so in love you know you can fly.� To know what it means to love. To understand therersquo;s pain.� To know love is tough.� It takes work and patience.� To love is to know itrsquo;s worth it.� Cause when your heart goes thump, thump, thump, and your blood dances in your veins, when butterflies flutter at every first glance, you know itrsquo;s worth it.� To hope and pray for that phone call and then listen to it ring.� Only to pretend yoursquo;ve been busy.� When your knees go weak and your vision blurs, you know.� You know what it means to be in love. When itrsquo;s a beautiful cloudy day. And the rain starts to fall.� Itrsquo;s that picture in your wallet.� Your strength on a bad day.� The one you call to tell the secret joys.� The one you think about.� When itrsquo;s not so scary to cry.�
The awesome trust that is shared when your soul is open.� When the trust is in the secret fears, dreams.� Trust is when you know your secret stays. When vulnerability is accepted.� And a hug solves all.� When you go together.� You know, like Batman and Robin or Romeo and Juliet.�� Yoursquo;re best friends, partners, lovers.� Itrsquo;s beautiful.� So what am I thinking about?� ldquo;Irsquo;m thinking about her.rdquo; Irsquo;m thinking about her beautiful smile and the smell of her hair.� Irsquo;m thinking how good we look in pictures. Irsquo;m thinking about all the happiness she brings. About all the kisses and touches.� The warmth from just a look.� The love from just a breath. Yoursquo;re the Wilma to my Fred.� The green to my tea. You are the beauty in my world.� Irsquo;m thinking about you.


Always,
Kyle

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When I was in mid-late elementary school, I pet sitted for my neighbors when they were away. There were two kids in the family, one my age and one 2 years older. They were both my friends. So every day they were gone I went to the house to feed and clean after the cats. But I was curious without a conscience.

I snooped in the bathrooms, the closets, the desks, and even the parentsapos; room. I read my friendapos;s diary. My respect for othersapos; privacy only occurred around middle school, I swear I wouldnapos;t dream of sifting through peopleapos;s belongings now.

But is that true? I searched for my cityapos;s name in LJ and began looking through the 30 or so listed. On one anon journal, I recognized the names of people she said she was hanging out with and itapos;s obvious who it is. So Iapos;m looking through it going, "ohhhh, I had no idea . . ."

I am an awful person.

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I can tell shersquo;s strong and hard headed. She steps into the classroom and makes her presence known. The room and every poor soul in it dance to the click, clack of her heels and to the swing of her hips. Shersquo;s beautifully proportioned and completely unaware of how much im falling in love with her toned arms. Men donrsquo;t charm her, she charms men. They donrsquo;t fall for the mystery between her breasts but for the fragrance her confidence gives away. Her eyes smile as if they have experienced real happiness and not just some cheap imitation of it.

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Well im not doing so hot. Not that that is new or anything. But i saw in this girl that she has moved on. And that hurts. But what can i do. Im taking a break from drinking tho because i started vomiting blood. Never a good sign. But it was more financial that health related. But i am so destroyed and there is absoutely nothing i can do. Im hurt. And i want to be over this girl. But im not. I have felt so strong for anyone. Its awful. And considering she moved on. Its even worse. Since i havent been drinking my thoughts just overwhelm me even more. But at least for two days i had other drama that meomentarily took my mind off of stuff. My landlord said i was to 2 months behind on rent which i knew was wrong but he insisted. I had to run around to my bank hunt down all the info. But i was right. I just finally paid octobers rent but at least im all caught up. So thats good. But im still just miserable. No one has ever gotten to me like this. Hopefully noone else will ever

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Ooooh, one of my very favorite questions


The problem with LJ (and online life in general): we all think we are so close, but really, we donapos;t know much about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away. Then post this in your LJ/blog and find out what people donrsquo;t know about you


Now, I yanked this from somewhere else, and I donapos;t necessarily believe that all the folks I read and/or the people who read me are all very close.� However, itapos;s an interesting exercise.

So, who am I?
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Dear You,	�		�
I feel like the worlds biggest fool.� You say that Irsquo;m the one whorsquo;s there for you more than anyone.� You know you can ask me to call at any hour of the day or night, regardless of what Irsquo;m doing, and Irsquo;ll do it.� Irsquo;ll call experts, and pay them for their time and effort in order to investigate things.� Irsquo;ll call people that I want to kill and try to place nice for your sake.� And why? Because I love you. And damn me for that.� I try to understand that you canrsquo;t just switch on the love for me, just as I canrsquo;t just switch off my love for you.� But I still feel like a fucking idiot, when I get my hopes up, thinking that maybe, just maybe, yoursquo;re coming around.� When I start thinking that maybe, just maybe therersquo;s a chance for us in the future.� And that maybe, just maybe Irsquo;ll get to hold your hand, or give you a goodnight kiss.� But no ndash; I can settle for a hug.� And I will.� I will because I love you so much, that Irsquo;ll take what I can get.� And then you go out, quite possibly with someone else who wants your affection, and knowing that, my eyes start tearing up.� And I sit here praying to a god who doesnrsquo;t hear, for the heart of a girl who doesnrsquo;t care. Irsquo;m glad yoursquo;re not leading me on, but sometimes, honestly, I wish you would.� Knowing that Irsquo;m the one whorsquo;s here trying to pick up the pieces, reassure you, comfort you, investigate for you, try to make sense of what other people are thinking, and make educated predictions on the future . . . . . And knowing that a snowball has more of a chance in hell, than I have with you, I feel pretty fucking used.� But I do it without complaint ndash; BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.� And I canrsquo;t help but think ldquo;Gosh, Irsquo;d settle for her leading me on, because then at least Irsquo;d be happy being lied to, instead of miserable and lying to myselfrdquo;. I canrsquo;t deal with it anymore.�
�		Me
�	�	�	�

�

�

Donrsquo;t worry. �This will have a happy ending ndash; for someone else.

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CT5K:

Week 2, day 2: done

I still feel like crap but I dragged my butt out of bed and went. I had to bring kleenex with me :/
Keira ate at 3:30 and when she was done at 4....I contemplated going then. Iapos;m glad I went back to sleep instead :)
She ate again at 5:30 and then I went after that. I was dragging a little bit but Iapos;m glad I went.

Weapos;re going to Como Zoo on Friday. Jackapos;s pretty excited. I hope heapos;s still excited when we actually go and isnapos;t scared this time. Heapos;s been saying "weapos;re going to see gorillas and giraffes and monkeys and squirrels"
I told him we can stay home to see squirrels.

I had Keira laughing pretty hard last night. It was adorable =)
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